I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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