i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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