I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
