I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
