Is it because I queefed?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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