I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I have post one night stand depression
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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