remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
