I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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