see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
