remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
