So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize