Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
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