Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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