were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
