Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize