are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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