he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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