Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize