He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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