My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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