you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
