i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
