my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
