I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Randomize
