I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
