i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
