Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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