Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
