The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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