Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
