I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
