You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
