I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
