it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
