I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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