Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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