we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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