Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize