I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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