Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
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