so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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