this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize