Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
