Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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