I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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