Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
