New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
