never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
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