I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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