there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize