Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize