On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
