remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
