were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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