Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
