He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
