There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Small penises have feelings too.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Randomize
