So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize