Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
